The Reason I Try
by Gh0StWr1teR1
Summary: "Have you heard of Leukaemia?" asked the doctor, holding a clip board hung on the side of his hospital bed. "What?" asked Kasamatsu, shock seemed a little bit of an understatement. After Kasamatsu is diagnosed with cancer Kise questions what's really important to him, and the real reason he was motivated to play basketball for the past year. KiseXKasamatsu, slow-build fluff
1. Chapter 1

At first Kasamatsu simply wrote his tiredness off as a bad summer cold which didn't seem to budge. After Kaijou's loss to Seirin at the quarter finals he had resigned as Captain and stopped coming to training. It wasn't so much their defeat that catalysed his resignation, more the fact that it was his final year at high school and University entrance exams were coming up much more quickly than he was comfortable with. As much as Kasamatu didn't want to dishearten his team by quitting on them, he simply didn't have the energy to turn up to practise whilst attending extra tuition on top of the insane workload piled on by day school.

As of late, he's been feeling constantly fatigued. His joints ached more than he was willing to admit, especially since the match with Seirin was a few weeks ago. He'd get fevers without the usual blocked nose or sore throat that normally accompanied the flu, however he did have swollen lymph nodes… so maybe it was just a really strange cold? Kasamatsu wasn't so worried about the cause of his constant fatigue, lack of appetite and aching joints it was more the effect of these symptoms on his studying that concerned him more.

Kasamatsu simply assumed it would pass like any other illness, luckily he wasn't one of those people who seemed to get sick every cold season. So perhaps this 'illness' was some strange Karma taking away his fortunate health? He was stressed, for all the bravado he had put on for his team, Kasamatsu was seriously shattered with Seirin's loss at the quarter finals and it really did put an extra weight on his motivation to study. They'd done everything right, trained hard, crossed their t's and dotted their i's in every sense… but it still wasn't enough. He couldn't help but feel as though Haizaki ruined their chances, by injuring their ace's foot. It wasn't a fair match in terms of health, Kagami was in top form throughout the game whilst Kise was forced to sit out for a good part of the match. If their ace hadn't been injured, Kasamatsu was sure they could've won… but there was no point crying over spilt milk. It's not like he could even think of blaming his team, they'd all worked so hard it just seemed like _something_ was against Kaijou reaching the grand finals.

Kasamatsu groaned inwardly as he tried to banish the depressing thoughts which seemed to circulate his thoughts, like how one line of a song stuck in your mind for a day. Only this was worse, because this gloomy thought process had been haunting his every 'quiet' moment and filling his thoughts in a frustratingly unproductive and depressing cycle.

Kasamatsu wheezed, _wheezed_ as he walked the short 200m walk from the train station to the Kaijou's gates. Albeit it was uphill, but still it felt as though he'd run a marathon scratch that, _sprinted_ a marathon instead of walking at a snail pace for three minutes. Kasamatsu had tried to ignore his aching joints and constant fatigue, but his condition only seemed to worsen over the past week. He paused for a moment panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath, feeling both ridiculous and humiliated for needing to take a short break from walking 100 or so meters. He rested his hands on his thighs, trying to stop the world from spinning. To make things worse, it seemed as though his symptomless fever had returned.

"Captain!" cried a bright voice from behind. Kasamatsu had little time to react before receiving a friendly thump on his back. Usually he would've retaliated by returning the hefty blow as a greeting, but today it was enough to cause him to lose his already precarious balance.

"Shit! Sorry!" apologised Kise, his quick reflexes being the only reason the shorter male didn't fall face first into the pavement. Kise let go of one of Kasamatsu's arms, resting his other comfortably above his elbow. Both panted heavily for a moment, the initial rush of adrenalin fading. The blonde flashed one of his million dollar smiles, laughing at the awkward failure of a morning greeting. Kasamatsu simply glowered, Kise's smile was quite literally worth money, being a successful teen model and basketball idol. Kaijo's ace was so freakin' perfect, and on days like these when Kasamatsu was feeling shit tired the last thing he needed was a perfect smile, accustomed to sparkles and flowers like a shoujo manga, to appear which only seemed to add salt to his injuries (a fine example of how perfection was constantly flaunted in front of his face) was the thought process he usually reverted to after the initial skip his heart seemed to make whenever the team's ace flashed a smile in his direction.

"Woah, you look like shit." Commented Kise, noticing the bags under his friend's eyes. The pair had begun a slow ascent up the hill, something Kasamatsu was silently grateful for their easy pace, not entirely sure if he could walk any faster without fainting.

"If this is a premonition of my third year, I think I'll drop out after year two!" cried Kise melodramatically, holding a hand to his face in mock horror. Kasamatsu simply grunted in response, still trying to catch his breath. "Are you sure you're not sick?" asked Kise, feeling worried about his friend's heavy breathing.

"I'm fine." Said Kasamatsu dismissively, if not a little breathlessly.

"Shall I carry you up like a princess to the castle that is our school?" asked Kise in a princely manor, bowing slightly as he joked.

"Touch me and I swear you'll have problems having children." Threatened Kasamatsu, meeting Kise's playful gaze with his own steady glare. Kise laughed, feeling reassured with the return of his friend's usual, gruff personality.

"You should drop by the gym every so often, coach is feeling lonely!" continued Kise, purposely keeping a slow pace as naturally as possible. His perfect copy skill was mostly accredited to his extensive observation skills. Kise could easily tell Kasamatsu was struggling to walk up the hill and was also equally aware that if he blatantly slowed his pace it would make his friend feel embarrassed.

"Yeah, maybe I will drop by today." Contemplated Kasamatsu. Perhaps all he needed to get out of this vicious self-loathing cycle was to meet up with his friends and joke around again. It seemed like years since he'd laughed in earnest. Kise smiled, warmly again waving as they parted ways at the shoe lockers.

"You better keep your promise captain!" called the blonde, saluting as he walked backwards towards the first year lockers. A group of fan girls giggled girlishly after Kise tripped on an unexpected stair, not watching where he was walking… well he _was_ walking backwards. Kasamatsu rolled his eyes, not wanting to let on how easily the flashy blonde had brightened his previously shitty start of a day.

…...

Kise glanced up at the clock on the gym wall for possibly the 20th time in five minutes.

"Oi! Kise, concentrate!" shouted Coach Takeuchi, Kise snapped his attention back to the game belatedly, missing the chance to steal the ball off the opposing team. Kise smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head feeling a little found out.

"What's going on? Come on I'm switching you out for the moment. Hayakawa! You're on." Shouted the coach gruffly. Hayakawa exchanged a sympathetic glance with Kise as they passed one another, the coach was not amused.

Disappointed moans from the viewing stand accompanied Kise's leaving of the court, the blonde grinned up at his fan group waving slightly to keep them amused. The coach said nothing, crossing his arms grumpily as he waited for Kise by the wooden bench on the side of the court.

"Glad you could grace us with your presence, my lord." Grumbled the coach sarcastically. Kise simply smiled in return. "Now, are you gonna tell me what's got your panties in a knot this time?" he asked. Kise's smile froze slightly, was it slightly strange that waiting for his Kasamatsu to turn up was enough of a distraction for the coach to switch him out of their friendly match? Ok… yeah maybe that was a little strange…

"I am mournfully waiting Kasamatsu-senpai!" he exclaimed theatrically, deciding to go over the top in the dramatics to hide his insecurities. The great thing about being branded as the stereotypical shallow, self-obsessed flirt was that no one really expected much and there wasn't really anything ridiculous Kise could say or do that would raise an eyebrow any more than normal. At times it frustrated him that nobody really took his opinions at face level, for some reason being a proficient basketball player and model also equated with the assumption that he had no brain. Perhaps being blonde wasn't really helping his case either… Anyways he was currently glad that his personality saved his apparent obsession with their team's previous captain… a realisation which was quite concerning to the ace.

"Oh, he won't be coming today." Said Moriyama from behind, like Kasamatsu the other third years had also quit the team however they still turned up to more practises than the previous captain helping out with the starting players from time to time.

"Yeah, he fainted in the corridor just after third session." Informed Kobori, never too far away from his woman obsessed friend.

"We just went to check up on him in the infirmary, but the nurse said he'd gone to hospital." Added Moriyama, uncharacteristically serious.

"What? Hospital?!" exclaimed Kise, eyes wide in shock, "Is he ok?" Kise had noticed his friend's diminishing health over the past week, the bags under his eyes and slouching posture, Kasamatsu was always one to walk with a straight back… perhaps it had to do with his height… slouching would only serve to make him even shorter. "Actually, he did look pretty sick this morning." Said, Kise thinking aloud as he remembered his friend's short of breathiness.

"We're not sure. We tried mailing him, but he hasn't replied yet." Said Kobori, Moriyama nodded, it was clear the third years were equally as worried about their friend's health.

"Look, I know it's all very touching that we're crying over his health, but I'm sure Kasamatsu wouldn't appreciate you wasting your time mulling over what could or could not be happening instead of training." Scolded the coach, slapping a beefy hand onto Kise's back to accentuate his comment. Kise smiled despite himself, unable to stop making the connection of how close Kasamatsu's encouragement was to the coach's… then again it would probably make more sense that Kasamatsu picked up a few things from the coach instead of the other way around.

"You two helping out today?" asked the coach, eyeing the third years. Kobara and Moriyama shook their heads.

"Sorry, we've got seminar later. Apologised Kobara.

"Just thought we'd let this guy," Moriyama lifted his chin in Kise's direction, "know that his senpai hadn't stood him up." He chuckled, but the humour was a little strained. They were all really worried about Kasamatsu's hospitalisation.

...

"Have you heard of Leukaemia?" asked the doctor, holding a clip board hung on the side of Kasamatsu's hospital bed.

"What?" asked Kasamatsu, shock seemed a little bit of an understatement.

"We're going to undergo a few more tests to confirm, but we're quite certain you have developed acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. This is the most common form of the disease in children, your body is overproducing immature white blood cells taking away room for your normal healthy blood cells…"

The doctor continued to explain his diagnosis but Kasamatsu felt his mind slipping, Leukaemia? He couldn't believe it… This kind of stuff only happened in tear-jerking dramas or to someone's friend's aunt's daughter's child. It never seemed possible, cancer always seemed so far away and irrelevant to his own life. What now? This wouldn't kill him right? His previous woes seemed petty in comparison. Not a month ago Kasamatsu shed tears over Kaijo's loss in the quarter finals… he felt like slapping his past self, worrying over such trivial insignificant things… He thought life was tough back then… Now… now… Leukaemia? Really? Just how? How and Why?

He couldn't understand.

He couldn't believe it…

He wasn't ready, he wasn't prepared…

…

What if he died?

 **Thanks so much for reading! This is my first Kuroko no Basuke fanfic, so I apologise profusely for any out of character-ness.**

 **Any reviews would be greatly appreciated (such as suggestions or errors you picked up)**

 **Till next time…**


	2. Chapter 2

Kasamatsu unlocked his phone for what felt like the twentieth time. A single line appeared and disappeared, waiting for words to be written in the group message he'd started to compose. He'd received several calls and texts from his friends over the past two days, most of which he ignored. He didn't know what he wanted, part of him was blocking everyone out, not wanting to be fussed over. However another part of him was begging to be pitied and comforted, he wanted to scream profanities out to the world, why him? What had he done to deserve this?

Kasamatsu still felt as though he were in shock. It still didn't seem real, he was waiting to wake up from this nightmare. He wanted more than anything to return to his life before the cancer developed, before Kaijou lost the game, back to the days when his team trained with new found passion, the days when their dreams seemed so obtainable, they weren't number one quite yet… but they were close and they had faith in their ace, faith in each other. Despite the complaints Kasamatsu voiced about his team's immaturity. Even the days when he felt so exhausted after practise but still forced himself to finish his homework and write up another game plan, on nights he only got four hours of sleep. He missed them, he missed feeling exhausted from physical exertion, not waking up every morning feeling as though his limbs were laden with lead accompanied with aching joints, despite sleeping for ten hours straight.

As every day past, the foolish strand of hope he'd been hanging onto seemed to fray a little further. If people could wish their way out of cancer, oncologists would be out of a job.

No, there was nothing he could do, or say, or shout that would change his diagnosis. It was simply another item he could add to the lengthy list of disappointments he'd somehow managed to compile in his short life.

The phone screen faded black again, indicating another timing out and yet another failure to compose a message to his friends. What was he going to write anyway?

 _["Hey guys! So, just letting your know. I've contracted a possibly fatal disease and will be taking a year off school whilst taking medication which will severely compromise my immune system and make me extremely sick for a few months. Oh, that's if my prognosis is good, if it's bad or if I have an extreme allergic reaction to the normal treatment (or I contract another horrible disease whilst my immune system in compromised), there's a high possibility I could die. Yeah, so pretty much this message is just a heads up so it doesn't come as a shock when you get an invitation to my funeral."]_

Or maybe that would be a little too sarcastic… just a little…

Kasamatsu sighed, naturally lifting his hand to rub his eyes, flinching at the movement of the IV-needle he'd forgotten was currently dripping into one of his veins. A little blood had flowed back into the tube, staining the clear liquid with traces of red. He felt his stomach turn a little, never one to be comfortable with needles. Kasamatsu liked to think he had a pretty high pain threshold, but sitting in bed all day doing nothing could do little to distract him from the dull ache he felt in his arm as the cooler liquid entered his bloodstream.

He felt extremely restless, like he was constantly tired, but whenever he tried to fall asleep his mind wouldn't rest so he'd just lie there with his eyes closed, trying extremely hard to ignore the feeling of the needle permanently fixed into his vein.

Sighing tiredly he placed his phone back on the small table situated beside his bed, yet another unsuccessful attempt to inform the outside world of his situation. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't help but feed the nagging thought that not telling anyone would make his diagnosis less real.

"Many thanks my beautiful lady, your assistance has been most helpful." Came the flirtatious tone of someone who thought they sounded smooth, but in reality were simply cringe worthy… Kasamatsu frowned for a moment, wait… was that?

"Captain! We found you!" exclaimed Moriyama, sounding a little breathless. Kasamatsu simply stared in shock, blue eyes widened dumbfounded. Wondering how his fellow third years had managed to find him without him being in contact with anyone. Only a few moments ago had he been attempting to compose a text message for them… their timing was slightly eerie, but appreciated nonetheless.

"What, where did? How did you find me?" asked Kasamatsu, finally forming a comprehensible sentence.

"We asked the information desk for your ward and bed number." Explained Kobori looking tired but rather relieved. "We got lost quite a few times though, I never knew hospitals were so hard to navigate."

"Yeah, how come you haven't been replying our calls?" accused Moriyama. Kasamatsu looked down at his lap, fiddling with the edge of his bedsheet.

"I, just hadn't really gotten around to it…" he said lamely, avoiding eye contact. Moriyama opened his mouth to say something clearly not convinced with his poor excuse of an answer.

"Bu-" Moriyama cursed softly, throwing a dark look at Kobori who had just jabbed him in the ribs to stop him from talking.

"So, how are you then?" asked Kobori lightly, smiling calmly as though hadn't laid a hand on his best friend. Kasamatsu felt a smile creeping onto his face despite himself, he hadn't realised how much he missed their playful interaction and peculiar antics.

"Yeah, when are you coming back to school then?" asked Moriyama, rubbing his side more for show than out of pain.

"I-aah it kinda depends…" started Kasamatsu, his voice a little scratchy from lack of use, "I don't really know when I'm going to be discharged." He tried to smile, immediately regretting the decision as he was sure the face he currently wore probably had a closer resemblance to a grimace.

"I don't blame you man. I'd keep coughing and staying in bed if it could mean I could get to know that nurse better." Joked Moriyama, trying to lighten the mood. Kobori said nothing, but Kasamatsu could tell he knew his old captain wasn't telling the whole truth.

The awkward silence that followed was unceremoniously broken from the buzzing of Kasamatsu's phone signifying an incoming call. The blue eyed teen jumped at the opportunity to do something, quickly reaching for his mobile.

 _[ Incoming call Kise Ryouta ]_

Kasamatsu silently cursed, not quite thinking beyond taking his phone from the cabinet. He really didn't want to pick up. Kobori and Moriyama looked at their friend expectantly.

"Uuh, should we go?" asked Kobori, pointing a finger in the vague direction of the door. Kasamatsu forced another smile, feeling slightly more confident with his faked expression than the previous attempt.

"Nah, it's no one important." Said Kasamatsu dismissively, hanging up the call to stop the incessant buzzing. Moriyama exchanged uneasy glances with Kobori.

"If you say so…" said Kobori also feeling the need to fill up the awkward empty pauses in their conversation. At first Kasamatsu was glad of their company, but what started off as nostalgic chatter quickly turned into uncomfortable atmosphere. They were good friends, Kobori and Moriyama they'd been together since their first year of high school playing basketball and sharing some classes. They were close enough to know Kasamatsu was hiding the details of his condition, and yet the blue eyed teen couldn't bring himself to tell them the entire truth. He didn't completely understand his reluctance to tell his friends, part of him wanted to protect them from worrying. Kobori and Moriyama especially, they were third years and even if his own exams were pretty much jeopardised he didn't want to inflict stress onto them and ruin their own chances.

"Sorry, we need to get going got a seminar at 5pm. It was aah good to see you." Said Kobori awkwardly, looking at his watch. Kasamatsu nodded not entirely sure if it true or if it was simply an excuse. Although he honest couldn't blame them if it were the latter, Kasamatsu himself hadn't been entirely truthful himself.

"We'll see you soon then!" smiled Moriyama, readjusting his bag, "Either at school or, here I guess." He added as an afterthought. Kasamatsu smiled and nodded in return as if returning to school in the next few days was an entirely plausible occurrence. Which it wasn't.

They waved goodbye as they left the ward, Kasamatsu taking care to use his arm not attached to the IV to return the gesture. He couldn't help but feel a little lonely as they left, as if he were being abandoned. Which was completely unreasonable and unjustified of him seeing as he didn't really make an effort to initiate a conversation whilst they were with him. He checked the time on his phone, 3:50pm. His mother was busy with a night class, she was a teacher at the language school for short courses and couldn't afford taking too much off, especially now seeing as Kasamatsu's treatment wasn't going to come cheap. She had raised him as a single parent, his father dying in a car crash when he was a baby. He used to ask his mother if she wanted to find another partner, but she simply brushed away the suggestion saying it could wait until after he graduated from high school. He felt the familiar twinge of guilt, his mother really didn't deserve the stress he was causing her. Life wasn't fair and people weren't made evenly. Some lucky souls got it all, whilst others are constantly bombarded with misfortune.

…

"Captain!" called out a bright voice. Kasamatsu opened his eyes, blinking away the blurry edges in his vision. Kise stood before him, almost glowing under the unnatural hospital lights. It seemed the clinical white surroundings of the ward only served to accentuate his brightly dyed golden hair.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Said Kise apologetically biting his lip as if asking for forgiveness. Kasamatsu simply sighed, rubbing the sleep out of his eye. He didn't even notice dozing off.

"But I guess it makes up for you calling me 'no one important' and hanging up on me." Added Kise wiping away a fake tear. Kasamatsu had the grace to look guilty, before realising there was no possible way Kise could've known that.

"How did you?" began Kasamatsu.

"I asked Kobori to text me the details once he reached your bed, and seeing as you haven't been picking up any of our calls I thought I'd just make sure it wasn't because you were avoiding us." said Kise, not sounding very impressed. "I didn't really want to be proved right though." A frowned threatened to tarnish his perfect smile. Kasamatsu silently swore, it was easy to forget how sharp Kise was at times simply because everyone else assumed he was a little thick. Defaulting back to a newly found habit Kasamatsu smiled reassuringly.

"Sorry, but really, as you can see. I'm completely fine." Said Kasamatsu. Kise's frown deepened, his serious expression made the blue haired male feel caught out. Kasamatsu felt his face heating up and sweat prickling at the back of his neck.

"It's obviously fine if your smiling like that." Stated Kise, his intense making Kasamatsu feel as though the golden orbs could see right through is lies.

"Kasamatsu-san, how are you feeling?" asked the nurse assigned to him. The blue eyed teen secretly thanked her for interrupting Kise's intense questioning, he wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to keep up his already rocky calm persona.

"I'm just going to refresh your B cells." Announced the nurse, replacing his cannula and attaching a fresh bag of fluid to his IV stand. Kasamatsu tried hard not to flinch too much when the needle was pulled out. "It'll be on a slow drip, so it should be finished in 5 or so hours. I'll be checking up on you in an hour or so, but if you're feeling any worse just call for me." She smiled prettily. It wasn't hard to guess which nurse Moriyama had been talking about, she was easily the best looking hospital staff on the ward with her long dark brown hair neatly tied up in a bun and large green eyes. To be honest Kasamatsu wasn't entirely fussed either way if his nurse was good looking or not, but it did make a good distraction in the new boring life he lead on a hospital bed.

Kasamatsu glanced up at Kise after the nurse left, gauging whether or not it was safe to look up again. However the blonde's intense gaze was now fixed on the bag of fluids attached to his IV stand.

"Uuhh, meeting hours finish at 6pm." Informed Kasamatsu, noticing it was already 5:40pm. Kise flicked his attention back to his friend who was relieved to see the golden orbs had lost some of their intensity. Kasamatsu wasn't used to seeing Kise's intense concentration anywhere other than on court in the middle of a match. The blonde nodded, easing back into his usual glowing smile. The older male felt himself relaxing slightly, it was comforting seeing something familiar and he'd had enough of 'new experiences' for the time being.

"Sure, I'll be back." Joked Kise, in a poor attempt at impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger from terminator. "Oh, and don't force yourself to smile… it's kinda painful." Kasamatsu threw him a dirty look, unable to help himself. Kise laughed earnestly, "Yeah, much better. Your face is much more suited to grumpiness!" he quipped before walking backwards towards the exit. Kasamatsu opened his mouth to throw another insult right back at him but ended up not bothering. He already felt better.

Kasamatsu regretted his delay of contacting his friends, Kise especially. He had some strange idea in his head that by letting them see him in this state would compromise his position of captain or make them lose respect for him. Looking back on it now, it was rather foolish and conceited of him to think that. They were his friends and he wasn't even captain anymore. Friendship required a different type of respect, and they weren't the types of people to turn away once someone they knew started developing problems. He really needed to start trusting others more… and he couldn't help but feel a little guilty and embarrassed that it took a threat at his life to realise it.

…

"Senpai!" a sharp whisper and shake of his wrist snapped Kasamatsu into consciousness. He looked up bewildered to see Kise's face uncomfortably close to his own.

"What are you doing here?" he asked back in an accusatory hushed tone. Propping himself on his elbows to move his face a little further away. He glanced around at the clock on the wall, it was already nightfall and there wasn't enough light to properly make out the time.

"It's past visiting hours! How did you even get in here?!" hissed Kasamatsu trying to keep his voice down.

"I can be very convincing." Grinned Kise, flashing one of his signature smiles. Even in the dimmed light Kasamatsu felt his heart racing a little, damn his perfect face!

"Ok… but why?" asked Kasamatsu, lifting and eyebrow at the model's response to his question, no doubt his occupation (i.e. flirting abilities) had come in handy. Kise quietly brought a chair closer to Kasamatsu's bed, he didn't take away his hand from the shorter male's wrist but held it rather than grasping. The contact didn't bother Kasamatsu as much as he thought it would.

"I- I just needed to confirm something, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep all night without knowing so I thought I'd just come now and not mull over it for another day." Said Kise cryptically. Kasamatsu watched him carefully, his blonde friend had reverted back to his unfamiliar serious self. "Are- do you…" began Kise, obviously struggling to find the right words. The blonde closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Have you got Leukaemia?" he asked, the words sounding raw, hanging between them dangerously. Kasamatsu simply stared at him, feeling shocked and vulnerable.

"But, how what, did, did you ask my mother?" chocked Kasamatsu, trembling slightly. Kise visibly deflated at his friend's reaction. Obviously hanging on to the hope that he'd jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"No." said Kise shaking his head. "I sort of made some connections, I mean you were short of breath a few days ago when we were walking from the station, and you're in the haematology department… I guess the B cells were also the other thing…" Kise trailed off noticing the tears forming in his friend's eyes.

Kasamatsu felt his throat tightening uncomfortably along with his eyes prickling. He tried to force down the lump in his throat but it only seemed to make him shake more, threatening to drop the tears already brimming in his eyes. He vaguely heard a chair scrape against the floor before feeling himself being wrapped in a warm embrace.

"Please, you don't have to hide. Just let it out, just let it out." Cooed Kise, gently rocking back and forwards placing one hand at the back of Kasamatsu's head while the other firmly situated itself around his waist. The smaller male let out silent sobs, his tears soaking into Kise's shirt front. "You don't have to fake it around me. You don't need to smile, it hurts me more to know you're lying. Please, just trust me." Murmured Kise, his cheek resting against the side of his friend's head. "Just trust me." He repeated.

Kasamatsu hadn't known how much pressure he had been under. It felt good to let it out, to openly cry. He tried so hard to remain strong in front of his mother, in front of Kobori and Moriyama, even general hospital staff and patients. He didn't want to slip, or let go and show his weak side or concern the people he cared for.

It was strange, he used not to be a very 'smiley' person, but ever since he was diagnosed he felt as though it was expected of him to appear optimistic. He hadn't realised just how much of an emotional drain it had been up until now.

"I'm sorry." Whispered Kasamatsu shakily, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He repeated most words muffled in Kise's shirt. Sorry, for being so weak, sorry for hiding the truth, sorry for placing a burden on his friend.

"Don't apologise, I'm here for you. I'm not going away. It'll be fine, it'll be fine." Whispered Kise tightening his grip slightly on the smaller male, as if to stop him from slipping too far away. Kasamatsu hiccupped a little, returning the hug and ignoring the pain caused by the cannula jabbing further into his arm.

For the first time in weeks Kasamatsu felt a weight lift off his chest. He was glad Kise was here, glad Kise was the one smart enough to piece together the secret he couldn't bring himself to share. Glad the person comforting him was also the same one whose smiles never ceased to brighten his day.

 **Wow that was possibly one of the longest chapters I've ever posted…. I tried to be as accurate as possible when writing about the medical side of the story (nothing annoys me more than incorrect or made up science that pretends to be realistic) ((that being said please correct me if anything I have written is wrong))**

 **I really hope you enjoyed it :) (and continue to read it)**

 **Thanks so much for reading :3**


	3. Chapter 3

Kise awoke to a dull ache in his arms and a searing pain down his neck and shoulders. He reluctantly opened his eyes, blinking to clear his vision as he tentatively rolled his cramped muscles. He wasn't really surprised with the pain, seeing as he'd spent the night half sitting, half leaning against Kasamatsu's bed. He turned stiffly to glance at the clock on the wall, 6:25, the blonde sighed mentally calculating whether or not he'd manage to make it to school on time. He looked at his friend still sleeping deeply, the skin around his eyes were a little red and his cheeks were a little tear stained. Kise glanced down at their hands, somewhere through the night they'd let go of each other but they were still close enough that when Kise took his hand away, he could feel the absence of his friend's warmth. It was oddly dissatisfying.

Kise got up as quietly as possible not wanting to disturb Kasamatsu or the other patients in the ward. He took one last look at his friend, feeling extremely conflicted whether the black haired male's sleeping face was an improvement from his usual expression. Normally Kasamatsu's face usually fell into a constant frown, as if he were never completely relaxed or annoyed with something. It seemed now as if he were too exhausted to use any more energy than required, unnecessarily grumpy facial expressions included. Kise couldn't decide if he enjoyed the unguarded, open expression which currently occupied Kasamatsu's face, or if the unhealthily pale skin and dark shadows under his eyes negated the openness.

He was too thin and so delicate. Kise respected his senpai greatly, despite only knowing him for less than a year. His harsh yet honest words of encouragement or criticism, had pushed him to try his hardest, for the team. Not only for himself. Kasamatsu had changed that, Kise used to think that Kuroko had changed that in him… but now he realised Kuroko had only pointed out something that was already changing. Playing for his friends. Wanting to become number one as a team and not simply for self-gratification. He used to think sports were all about winning, winning, winning and everything else came secondary to that sole principle.

Yeah it hurt when Kaijou lost… twice… well he cried… ok he cried quite a bit, but it really wasn't that big of a deal when he looked back on it. The losses affected him less than he'd thought they would. He wasn't alone in losing either, they bore the pain as a team and Kasamatsu took responsibility for their failure. Their short, strict and strong captain kept him in check, allowing him to let out his frustration but not letting him get lost in self-loathing.

It hurt him more than he could express in words seeing his friend lie in bed, quite literally too exhausted to do anything else. It broke his heart to hold his thin, trembling, fragile frame as he cried in his arms. It was worse than facing Aomi again, worse than seeing the desperation in his previous team mate's eyes, despite wanting more than anything to be on par with Aomi for almost three years. Kise smiled, not quite reaching his eyes, wondering when Kasamatsu had taken such a large portion of his heart.

…

The green eyed nurse winked at him in a friendly manner as they passed one another down the corridor.

"Thanks for coming." She smiled pausing to talk, "I was worried he'd never loosen up. It's unhealthy to bottle that much emotion up." Kise smiled genially, naturally slipping into the 'play-boy model' stereotype people expected him to be at work and school.

"Of course, what kind of friend would I be if I were to simply abandon him?" asked Kise rhetorically. The nurse laughed lightly.

"It's going to get tougher before it gets better." She said on a more serious note, "You better keep your word." The nurse spoke with a challenging gleam in her eye. "I'll be keeping an eye out to make sure you do."

"But of course! I'd do anything for yo- him." Joked Kise, pretending to slip up his words.

"His Chemo starts today at 3pm. I'm sure he'd be glad for the company." She said laughing again as she began to make her way down the corridor once more.

"How often?" asked Kise, dropping his fake smiles. "Does he get Chemo." He verified, realising the vagueness of his question.

The nurse called paused to flip through the documents attached to her clipboard, "Monday 3pm, Wednesday 12pm and Friday 3pm" she replied, hastily walking to make her rounds. Kise nodded, committing the times to memory.

…

"Senpai!" called Kise, jumping to the foot of his bed excitedly. Kasamatsu simply looked up, obviously unimpressed with his flashy arrival.

"Why're you here again?" he asked flatly. Kise sniffed, pretending to wipe away a tear.

"Is this how you greet your closest friend and favourite kouhai?" asked the blonde starting up the water works, "after all we've been through together?" Kise opened one eye expecting to see the older male roll his eyes, slightly shocked to see Kasamatsu scratch his head in discomfort.

"I-ahh, thanks for yesterday." He said quietly, looking down at his hands which were now nervously wrung together. Kise couldn't help but let a smile sneak past his lips at his strict 'ex'-captain's embarrassment. He'd never seen Kasamatsu uncomfortable, let alone blushing. He was also quite certain that any wrong move on his part could jeopardise the likelihood of him ever viewing this side of his friend again.

"Don't mention it." Smiled Kise, in earnest, "I've become a blubbering mess so many times in front of you it's only fair we call it even sooner or later." He continued. Kasamatsu raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"That's only because you're such a cry baby!" he accused, all traces of embarrassment gone as they slipped back into their old routine of bickering.

"I'm not!" exclaimed Kise, feeling his cheeks burn a little. Cursing his light complexion making blushing an unwanted common occurrence.

"Sure, sure Mr 'I've never lost before!' " mimicked Kasamatsu, speaking in a girlish high pitched voice.

"Well I hadn't!" countered Kise, trying to keep face. It was the first time in weeks he'd seen Kasamatsu talk with a little fire in his tone and Kise couldn't help but feel pride swell in his chest knowing he was the cause of it.

"Are you ready for your first Chemo session?" asked the nurse, rolling a trolley of transparent plastic parcels filled with various fluids. Kise saw Kasamatsu tense a little.

"I guess so." He said, smiling to counter the slight tremor in his voice. It was quiet as the nurse attached a new bag to his stand, adjusting various valves and tubes.

"You can still talk." Assured the nurse, obviously noting Kasamatsu's nervousness. The comment was mostly aimed at Kise, who like his friend was staring at the set up in morbid fascination, or more apprehension on Kasamatsu's part.

"Ahh so I was thinking of quitting the basketball team." Said Kise, saying the first thing coming to mind to distract his friend.

"What!?" exclaimed Kasamatsu sharply. Bolting up from his comfortable position leaning into the pillows at his bed head. The nurse threw Kise a dirty look, definitely not the kind of distraction she was hoping for.

Kise's smile froze, _shit, shit, shit, seriously bad timing._ He thought mentally berating himself for blurting that out. There were so many things he could say. Like how the weather was particularly humid today, or that the school festival was coming up soon. He had planned on discussing his decision with Kasamatsu… however out of all the times he could've broken the news, this was quite possibly one of the worst times.

"It'll be on a slow drip, I'll come back in half an hour and check up on you. If you're feeling a lot worse just press the buzzer or ask someone to help." Reassured the nurse. "Do you understand?" she asked, wanting to consolidate her words. Kasamatsu nodded, if a little blankly. "Keep an eye out on him for me?" she asked Kise, assuming he'd stay for the session.

"Of course." Said Kise, assuring her that at least one of them was concentrating enough to hear her words. She breathed deeply, pointedly looking at Kise, obviously unimpressed with his latest feat in upsetting one of her patients.

"I'll be back soon." She reminded them, once more pushing the trolley away from his bed.

"Why?" asked Kasamatsu quietly, looking up at Kise in utter confusion. Kise opened his mouth, trying to think of the words he'd planned to say in this situation. For some reason the scenario he'd scripted for their conversation wasn't quite going to plan. "You're Kaijou's ace." Stated Kasamatsu.

"It's not like I was gonna be a professional basketball player." Reasoned Kise, dropping his bag to the floor as he took his seat by Kasamatsu's bed once more.

"But- but. I don't understand." Said Kasamatsu, looking a little helpless and lost. "You were supposed to lead us to victory…" he trailed off, staring at nothing in particular as if his thoughts were moving slowly. "I failed this year… but you were supposed to win next year, or the year after and set Kaijou's name in history." He continued, still not looking at Kise.

"Senpai." Said Kise urgently, taking his wrist to grab his attention. Too thin, too fragile. "There's no way I could and meet you every day if I had practise after school." He said, leaning over in an attempt to view his friend's face. Kasamatsu automatically turned his face towards Kise, before casting his gaze downwards.

"I didn't ask for you to." He said hollowly.

"No, you didn't." agreed Kise. "I never said it was my dream to make Kaijou's name go down in history, it might've been once for me to be the reason for it. But I don't care for shit whether or not some fancy school wins nationals. I wanted to win for our team, this year for all of us." said Kise, imploring his friend to look up at him.

"So it's my fault for making you stop." Said Kasamatsu bitterly. "You said you wanted to play for the team, I'm not the entire team. Heck I'm not even captain anymore." He tried to pull his arm away but Kise held tighter.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." Explained Kise. "Of course the team's important. It's just that you matter more." He said, feeling slightly nervous by laying his heart open. He was never this free with his emotions, always hiding behind a persona or copying someone else whether he saw it in real life or an actor from a drama.

"Why?" asked Kasamatsu again, finally looking up at Kise. He could see tears glistening in his blue eyes. "I can't let you, as a captain of Kaijou. You can't quit basketball, you're the ace you have to lead us to victory." He said a little shakily.

"Is that what you want? For me to win some game while you sit here in hospital for months, while your mum works for almost every hour of the day and your third year friends are too busy from studying to meet you?" asked Kise, the slight flash of fear in Kasamatsu's eyes were enough of an answer for Kise. "Come on, you've got cancer. You're entitled to a little bit of selfishness." Said Kise in a softer tone.

Kasamatsu tried to move his arm again, trying to hide the tears running down his cheeks but Kise pulled him into a slightly awkward embrace instead, as he half kneeled on the chair by his bedside.

"Thankyou, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Mumbled Kasamatsu as he sniffled. Kise was beginning to get tired of his constant apologies, no one asked for this kind of situation.

"Stop apologising! You're ruining your tough-senpai persona! Now I'll only ever remember you as the cry baby." Joked Kise, as he rocked them backwards and forwards slightly. Kasamatsu choked a little from what Kise assumed was an attempt at laughing. The older male made an attempt at punching Kise, but only ending up in pressing his fist against the blonde's chest.

Kise felt a little guilty about enjoying their embrace. It was always him being comforted by Kasamatsu, and it felt a little nice to be the stronger one for a change. He knew he'd made the right decision. He could always pick up basketball later in life, so what if he never won a national title. It was only a high school competition and it seemed petty in comparison to someone's life. Funny how one even can completely flip your values in life.

No… thought Kise, funny how one event can put things properly into proportion.

 **Thanks for reading again (I'm really glad at least someone got his far!)**

 **Words alone cannot express my gratitude for actually reading my story.**

 **:3 so happy.**


	4. Chapter 4

Kise paced backwards and forwards outside the sports office' door. He curled the resignation form in his hand nervously, unable to bring himself to knock. His black shoes made an unnaturally loud clacking noise on the gym floor, it felt strange not wearing his usual sneakers inside. Suddenly the door opened, presenting a rather grumpy coach.

"Kise, you've been driving me crazy pacing backwards and forwards for the past ten minutes. Spit it out. What are you here for?" he asked, crossing his arms. Kise smiled sheepishly, avoiding eye contact. "Does this have something to do with you missing training for the past fortnight?" he prompted squinting suspiciously at the letter Kise had folded in his hand.

"Ahh, yeah." Mumbled Kise, stepping forward to hand him the resignation letter. The coach wearily took it from him, he wasn't a man to show much emotion, but Kise could tell how much the piece of paper had upset Kaijou's coach.

"Kise, you know you've got potential." He said disappointment clearly weighted in his voice. Kise felt a twinge of guilt. "You know you're pretty much the only person who could hold this team up to a national level standard. Especially against those Teikou graduates." He continued speaking slowly. It wasn't as if the coach was begging the ace to stay or scolding him for trying to leave. It was more a reminder of how his decision to leave would impact the Kaijou basketball team.

"I know." Said Kise quietly, this time looking his coach in the eye to show his resolve. The coach sighed, wiping his face with one hand.

"Is it possible this has anything to do with." Began the coach, stopping midsentence as if to gauge whether or not Kise even knew the piece of information he was about to say. Both regarded one another cautiously, not wanting to share a secret not theirs to give. Breathing deeply the coach made a decision, "does your decision have anything to do with Kasamatsu's diagnosis?"

The words hung in the air a little. Kise looked down at his feet, the blonde's lack of a reaction was enough of an indication, the coach nodding and sighing once more.

"I'll trust him in your care then." Said the coach at length. Kise looked up, trying his upmost to push down the lump rising in his throat. The older man gave him a tight lipped smile before turning back to the office. "You're welcome back here any time."

Kise nodded, not trusting himself to speak without giving away a tremble in his voice.

It wasn't fair.

Life was so fucked up.

~~~~~~~ TIME SKIP (about three weeks) ~~~~~~~~

Kasamatsu felt like shit. He was tired, nauseous and felt like throwing up. He'd coughed up blood today, and while his mother was clearly distressed he just couldn't bring himself to feel. It was strange, he felt as though he were watching another person, or experiencing a rather vivid dream. A dream where the body he inhabited needed help to go to the toilet or take a shower, was emaciated, threw up at the smell of food and coughed up blood.

He was so tired.

Summoning the will power he turned his head to see the clock ticking diligently on the wall. It was already five minutes past the time Kise usually showed up. He felt pathetic, but Kise was practically his life line. He loved his mother, but seeing her stressed him out. He knew all she did was out of love, but her incessant worrying and fussing drained him. It didn't help that she'd also lost quite a bit of weight since he'd been admitted to hospital and more often than not looked just as exhausted as him.

Kise was fifteen minutes late.

Maybe he wasn't coming.

Maybe he didn't want to play the faithful friend anymore.

The negative thoughts crowded Kasamatsu's mind, thoughts he would usually wash away before they could fester. He couldn't help it though. It was as if the cancer, or the medication or a combination of both which was causing him to lose faith. Staying strong? Staying optimistic? Who could possibly be bothered when it literally took up every ounce of his energy to stay alive.

Kise was twenty minutes late.

The prognosis wasn't good. A few days ago the doctors were telling him he might even get to go home and travel to the hospital three days a week for his chemo. That was before things started to go downhill. He wasn't expected to improve enough to go home now, not at least for a few weeks. He was getting worse.

Kise was half an hour late.

Reason told him it wouldn't do any good to think negatively. He'd read enough papers, heard enough stories to know staying positive would help his health. Unnecessary stress would only worsen his condition. But he couldn't help it. How could he look up when the only path seemed to spiral downwards?

Kise was forty five minutes late.

Kasamatsu turned away from the clock and closed his eyes.

…

Kasamatsu opened his eyes, it took a moment for them to clear and adjust to his surroundings. Part of him wanted to check the time again. Another part of him wanted to go back to sleep.

"Senpai?" asked Kise's voice hesitantly. "Are you awake?" Kasamatsu felt a lump form in his throat. No, no why was he so weak whenever Kise was around? It took a bit of effort but he shuffled to face his friend.

"You were late." He managed to croak out. Kise looked crestfallen. No, no that wasn't what he wanted to say.

"I'm sorry, my manager held me up." Apologised the blonde, searching Kasamatsu's eyes for forgiveness.

"It's not like you have to come." He continued. No, stop why was he saying this.

"Senpai, I'm sorry." He repeated, reaching for Kasamatsu's hand as if the contact would make his apology more sincere.

"It's not like I'm blaming you." Said the older male distantly, "who would want to spend their afternoons sitting next to someone on their deathbed?" he asked rhetorically. "You don't need to come here every day. We both know it's a waste of time." He felt so bitter it disgusted him, his own behaviour disgusted him as he tried to drive away his only friend.

"Kasamatsu." Said Kise reproachfully.

"You can go back to playing basketball. You can make some real friends because no offence, but I wouldn't exactly call your one's from Teiko particularly supportive. The only other people you hand around was the basketball team, but you've given that up now so there goes another group." Kasamatsu couldn't stop himself even if he wanted to. Why _was_ he doing this? Why was he insulting his only companion? "You've always been bad at building proper relationships with people. Maybe you should fix up your own shit before playing Good Samaritan and trying to help m-"

"Yukio." Said Kise levelly, cutting his friend off. Yellow eyes gazing steadily into the widening blue ones. Somewhere along his rant Kise had taken hold of his hand, holding it between his own. "I'm not going anywhere." He reiterated. Kasamatsu gaped blurting out an unintelligible noise.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." Swore Kasamatsu, holding his arm up to cover his eyes. Kise wasn't entirely sure whether the blush spreading across his cheeks was due to embarrassment of insulting Kise or Kise using his first name.

"I'll forgive you if you call me by my first name." grinned Kise cheekily. Kasamatsu lowered his arm eyeing Kise suspiciously.

"Don't push it." Warned Kasamatsu.

"But you're the one telling me to learn how to build proper relationships!" argued Kise, exaggerating a pout. Kasamatsu opened and closed his mouth, but his usual snappy responses seemed to have left along with the long list of other things he'd lost from fatigue.

"I'm sorry." Began Kasamatsu, feeling a blush burn to his ears, "Thankyou… Ryouta." The blonde beamed, squeezing the hand clasped in his own.

"You're forgiven."

Kasamatsu looked up at his friend, finding himself captured. His blonde hair reflecting differently in the orange and red hues of the setting sun. He was beautiful, and that wasn't just Kasamatsu losing his head from the meds he'd been taking. Kise was a model after all.

It wasn't just his face that drew Kasamatsu in. It was his being. So energetic, so full of life. Tears starting spilling out of his eyes before he could stop them. He blinked, not wanting to see the concern clouding the blonde's face.

"I don't want to die yet." He sniffled quietly. The words seemed to tumble out against his will. "I don't want to die." He repeated. Somehow Kise was able to break through, or maybe it was simply the fact that Kasamatsu didn't feel the need to put up a guard. He felt as though he could speak to Kise without being judged, or taken the wrong way. He just felt safe.

Kise stood up, and Kasamatsu leaned closer in. He never pegged himself as a touchy feely person, but ever since he'd been diagnosed everything seemed skewed. Hugging was comforting, and he didn't think too much farther beyond it.

Kasamatsu felt Kise's lips press against his forehead. He stilled a little, unsure if blonde accidentally bumped his lips against his head or if it was a deliberate kiss. Kise moved and rested his cheek on the top of the smaller male's head. Kasamatsu let out a breath he didn't know was being held, and hugged Kise closer. He wasn't quite sure what the kiss meant, or whether it was even intentional.

But that didn't matter right now. Kasamatsu simply wanted to be held.

…

 **AAHH ANOTHER CHAPTER, thanks for reading.**

 **I was super emotional writing this chapter, listening to depressing music!**

 **I hope you enjoyed it.**


	5. Chapter 5

The summer break had started and Kasamatsu found himself yet again exhausted. But it was a good sort of tired. The kind of sleepiness you get from listening, exchanging stories and catching up with your friends all day. After much thought Kasamatsu decided to tell all his friends of his condition through a facebook post, simultaneously reaching out to the public about how important blood donations are.

Kise was more than supportive, and for once his popularity and ridiculous amount of contacts served a purpose the ex-captain approved of. At first Kasamatsu wanted to keep it all to himself, as if the entire ordeal was extremely private. It was only now that he realised how that was a little selfish.

The tables were turned and he could actually do _something_ productive with the situation instead of moping about on a bed for a year. If his message could persuade at least one person to donate blood, then to hell with privacy, he didn't know how many bags of blood he'd been through, or how many strangers had saved his life.

His public announcement came with a flood of visitors, something he could feel he was able to appreciate now. The entire basketball team of Kaijou came to meet him, and he swore he saw tears in the coach's eyes. Kasamatsu never pegged him to be an emotional guy, but then again ever since his diagnosis he'd realised just how little he knew about people in general.

It was mainly thanks to the team that his corner of the ward now assumed the appearance of a florist. Not that he was complaining particularly, and he was quite sure the other patients next to him also enjoyed the bright colours.

He was grateful, he really was. All his visitors seemed to lift a burden off his mother, who didn't seem as reluctant to leave his side or have as many bags under her eyes. That said, she still buzzed around his bed squeezing hand sanitiser into all of his guests' palms and stuffing face masks onto anyone who displayed the slightest twitch of their nose.

They'd gotten used to the fact that he had leukaemia, and his mother had stopped snooping around his room throwing out items she was convinced contributed to his illness. It took a while explaining that his bonsai could not, in any shape or form, be the perpetrator of his cancer. It seemed silly from an outsider's point of view and entirely irrational, but Kasamatsu knew his mother wasn't dim. She was still struggling slightly with the fact that there was nothing to blame and it was simply bad luck.

Kasamatsu wasn't entirely sure when Kise and his mother became so close, but they were somehow already on first name basis. He supposed the model's natural charm and easy going personality had helped. Regardless of when, how or where they became such good friends, Kasamatsu was extrememly grateful of Kise's contribution in sharing some of the anxiety his mother constantly carried around with her. Kise had become a constant in their lives, almost like another family member, someone she could trust to keep her son company when she was busy working to pay for the hospital bills.

…

The two teens sat in a comfortable silence, Kise leaning his book against Kasamatsu's bed as he filled out his holiday homework. The latter, surfing the net indifferently after failing to summon the motivation to read through his school notes.

"I met Kurokocchi the other day." Said Kise initiating a conversation, Kasamatsu looked up and hummed for Kise to continue. It wasn't like he was doing anything of importance on his laptop. "He was asking if he could invite the rest of the gang to meet you?" Kise asked for permission. Kasamatsu raised an eyebrow at the proposal.

"Not all at once, yeah?" confirmed the older male, not entirely sure if he could handle the entire generation of miracles and their close friends all at once. It would be very… lively, if the incident at the restaurant was anything to go by.

"Not if you don't want them to." Laughed Kise, taking his phone out of his pocket, "I'll just text him back. But I think Kurokocchi was planning to visit with Kagamicchi and Murasakibaracchi because Kagamicchi was catching up with Himuro sometime this week." Explained Kise. Kasamatsu looked at his friend in exasperation.

"Don't you get tired adding –cchi, to everyone's name? I'm feeling drained just from listening to you!" exclaimed he exclaimed.

"What, are you jealous?" asked Kise teasingly. The shorter male rolled his eyes.

"Don't delude yourself." He sighed, closing his laptop.

"I only add –cchi to people I respect. So what if it takes longer to say their name? It just goes to show how much more time I'm willing to give up for them." Grinned Kise. Kasamatsu snorted, despite how ridiculous it sounded, it was depressingly plausible how serious Kise was being.

"You're kidding me right?" asked the older male regardless, at least give him a chance to not sound like a total twat, "That's seriously lame." Kise gasped theatrically, holding a hand to his heart as if he were deeply offended. The blonde opened his mouth to defend his speech mannerisms, but was cut off by the bleeping of his phone.

"Kurokocchi was asking whether or not Akashicchi knew…" said Kise a little troubled. "I'm a little scared to text him though," he admitted, "Akashicchi is kind of… intimidating" Kasamatsu would've snorted in unimpressed at Kise's fear to send a text if the person in question wasn't Akashi Seijuro, even he could sympathise with Kise. Rakuzan's captain was to put it simply rather difficult to approach.

"Oh! I know, I'll just text Midorimacchi, I'm sure he'll tell pass it on to Akashicchi." Grinned Kise. Kasamatsu rolled his eyes thinking Kise was a little too proud of his 'light bulb moment'.

…

Whilst Kasamatsu expected Kuroko and Kagami to meet him some time during the summer break, as they had played against Kaijou twice, he honestly didn't expect to be visited by any of the other generations of miracles. Or perhaps some players from Shoutoku, Takao was a pretty sociable guy so he wouldn't put it past his fellow point guard to drag along Midorima.

Hence his utter shock at spotting Akashi Seijuro standing at the foot of his bed. If Kise's yellow hair was a bit out of place in the generally clinical white colour scheme of the ward, than Akashi's bright red hair was on an entirely new level of conspicuousness.

"I see it was the right decision to bring fruit." Commented Akashi, his gaze skimming across the impressive amount of flowers littering his table and window sill. Kasamatsu still wasn't entirely sure why the entire team decided to _all_ buy flowers, but he had a feeling it was some sort of inside joke about how he'd never been gifted anything girly. At least it wasn't February because he was certain they would've gifted him numerous boxes of heart shaped chocolates instead.

Akashi squirted out hand sanitiser from the bottle attached to the wall, cleaning his hands before reaching into the plastic bag he held and giving Kasamatsu a wooden box of golden globe grapes. Kasamatsu murmured a word of thanks before almost gasping in shock.

Yes, this was indeed a box of grapes from the Sembikiya fruit emporium. The most expensive fruit parlour in Tokyo. He'd wandered into the shop once with Moriyama and Kobori as a joke, so they could laugh at the ¥2,100 ($21) apples or square watermelons for only ¥21,000 ($212), what a bargain. Kasamatsu really didn't want to consider how much this wooden box of grapes had costed, which he could have only presumed had been watered with angel tears.

Kasamatsu was about to object to such an expensive present, but the words never left his mouth. The red haired captain simply stood at the foot of his bed, staring at nothing, looking a little lost and unstable.

"Did you want to sit down?" asked Kasamatsu tentatively, pushing out the chair Kise usually inhabited. To his utter shock and alarm Akashi accepted the seat. Kasamatsu had no idea what had brought upon the dramatic change in Rakuzan's captain's usual intimidating demeanor, but the result left the fifteen year old looking exactly that. Young. He used to think Kuroko was the baby of the Generation of Miracles, but now seeing Akashi sitting by his bedside without the pretence of power or need to display leadership he wasn't quite sure.

Unlike Aomine, Midorima, Kise and Murasakibara, Kuroko and Akashi were not blessed with the body of a basketballer. Their height had ultimately forced them to develop unorthodox and specialised skills to play the game on par with their taller counterparts. In the way of body build, Akashi was not cut out for basketball. There was only so far practise could take you if you didn't have the height. Kasamatsu as their fellow short player knew that as a fact. The older male always wondered why the captain continued to play basketball when his build was obviously not ideal for the game. There were so many other sports which would easily hand over victory, and it didn't feel like Akashi played basketball to prove anyone could do it. It might have been a driving force in his endeavour to display moves like an alley loop, but that definitely wasn't the reason.

"Are, you feeli-" Kasamatsu stopped midsentence, not wanting his words to cause any misunderstanding. Despite Akashi's current subdued state, he doubted the mood would last. "Did you want a glass of water?" he offered instead. Akashi looked up blankly, as if he forgot Kasamatsu was there. The older male resisted the urge to shrink backwards, he felt like a deer in the headlights under the red head's gaze.

"I heard Ryouta stopped playing basketball." He stated, looking expectantly at Kasamatsu who simply nodded in confirmation. "I see." Was the following comment.

Silence followed once more, and it didn't help that Kasamatsu felt as though he was the only person uncomfortable. The older male mused about how empty gaps in different conversations could feel.

"How's it going?" asked the nurse, stepping up beside Kasamatsu's bed checking his monitor. "No pain?" Kasamatsu shook his head, he could almost kiss her for providing a distraction. "Ooh, this is a new face." Said the nurse, noticing Akashi sitting in Kise's usual chair. Akashi smiled genially, quickly snapping out of the strange daze he was under moments before.

"Nice to meet you." Greeted Akashi politely. The nurse gave him an affectionate wink.

"Give us a shout if you feel any pain," said the nurse, "nearly there only another hour to go." She smiled tapping Kasamatsu affectionately on the shoulder before walking to the next patient.

"Chemo." Stated Akashi, he didn't really ask questions more stated a fact and waited for the other person to acknowledge it.

"Yeah." Replied Kasamatsu redundantly. Akashi now stared at the bags of fluid connected to his IV drip. Kasamatsu took a deep breath, deciding to throw caution to the wind. He was already a dying man. "Do you know someone else with cancer?" he asked, it made sense if the younger male did. The way in which he automatically cleansed his hands with sanitiser was enough of a hint. Akashi's directed his gaze once more to Kasamatsu, this time the blue eyed male made sure to return the favour.

"My mother died of cancer." Said Akashi bluntly.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear." Said Kasamatsu dumbly, not sure whether or not the captain wanted sympathy. He wasn't quite sure what he expected to hear, especially after seeing a rare vulnerable side to Akashi most people would never meet.

Akashi laughed. Kasamatsu could feel the hair on his neck rise, it wasn't a joyful laugh. More bitter and resentful.

"Excuse me." He apologised, his mouth relaxing once more into a smile not reaching his eyes. "I simply find it amusing, that you're the reason Kise gave up basketball and my mother is the reason I need to continue." Kasamatsu was at a loss of words. He'd solved a little mystery, but felt no reward. It wasn't a happy reason why Akashi Seijuro tried so hard to remain number one.

…

 **Author's note: (READ IF CONFUSED)**

 **For anyone who hasn't watched the third season / read the manga it was Akashi's mother who first gave him a basketball (just in case people were reading thinking: '…whut? Why he try so hard? You make no sense Kasamatsu!' )**

 **THANKS for reading, and hopefully my character study of Akashi isn't too insane… I know the manga and anime dress him as the antagonist, but I really sympathise with the reason for his fucked up personality (anyone would be a little strange with that much pressure). I am also convinced that he's a sociopath. Which is strange, because he's a fictional character and I feel like I'm reading a little too deep into all of their personalities. OH WELL THAT'S FANFIC.**


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